The burden I feel for each and every child here at the Hogar keeps getting deeper and deeper. The more I learn about the child who was sexually abused by his/her father, the brother and sister who’s mother is a witch, the child who feels useless in this world, and the child who says they do not to believe in God anymore, just makes my heart weigh heavy with a deeper hurt than I have felt in a very long time.
When I walked into the student mission’s office I had no idea what I was signing up for… I really honestly did not. I’m not exactly sure what I had in mind when I signed up, but I just knew that God would lead me through anything and everything. This has not been a vacation in any sense of the word… to the contrary… I live in the mountains with sex offenders within walking distance in all directions of the Hogar. When I go into town I put up with men saying rude, crude, and vulgar comments, and sometimes even going to the extent of touching me. My personality has gotten stronger, my tongue quicker, and my skin has gotten a little thicker as well.
I want to be the one to tell you all that it’s not always happy sunshine and rainbows here in the mission field… there is deep and heavy stuff that goes on behind the scenes, and it’s tough to deal with on a daily basis, but that is why I am here… to be a shining light where light doesn’t normally shine. I absolutely love these kids and I have felt such a burden for them to be happy and healthy again. All of the kids here need intensive therapy, but do they get it? No, they get happy devotional songs and get in trouble when they don’t sing. I don’t think I would want to sing either if I had been through the same things these children have been through in their young lives.
I feel so helpless, not just because I only have 4 ½ weeks left to work with these kids, but also because I am not trained to deal with troubled children. Even if my Spanish was up to par… all I can do is pray, and talk to them with my horrible grammar and laugh and play with them because they’re not comfortable enough to open up to me.
These kids are crying out for help that I do not know how to give them… I want to make the best of the time I have left, but what about after I leave, after all of the volunteers leave? What happens then? I believe with my whole heart that God brought me here to Honduras with the exact group that is here right now for reasons that are so much bigger than me. God has such a plan for my life that it scares me, yet excites me all at the same time. I trust that God will take care of the kids that have opened their hearts and minds to leaving their pasts behind and who are striving to do better, and to have a relationship with Him. However, it is still going to be so difficult to leave these kids to go home to my easy life.
On top of the problems that these kids have engraved in their hearts and minds, they have to see volunteer after volunteer stay long enough to get attached, and then leave. That’s horrible… these kids need more full time staff here and therapy! Their scars are not going to go away without any help.
When I was at Southern Adventist University sitting for the two “pointless” hours in the Student Missionary class, I listened to former student missionaries say time and time again, “my year away was the most life changing event of my whole entire life, I will never regret my decision to go serve.” I sat there, secretly doubting and thinking that they were just trying to make their stories sound more dramatic. I understand now… they were not exaggerating. Especially working with troubled children who all have different personalities, different things that make them tick, and different things that set the tears falling… my eyes have been opened, my heart broken, and a new love has been unleashed from my heart, and I know it’s from God.
I need prayer… I want to do as much as possible in my time left here. I feel like a lot of time went to waste looking over things, brushing things under the carpet, but it’s time that things come to the surface and the healing begins…
God is in control, but there is a visual battle that is going on for the souls of each and every child here…I want to see these children excel, but most importantly, I want to see them in heaven…
-Laurel
Tuesday, March 16, 2010
Wednesday, March 3, 2010
“Profesora Laura”
School's back in session! I woke up this morning at 5:15, hit snooze, and finally rolled out of bed at 5:25 and was in the kitchen fixing breakfast by 5:30! It’s only 11:30 right now and I have already taken a shower, fixed breakfast, attended morning devotional, ate breakfast, and taught one English class today. I actually enjoy my days more now that school is back in session. The busy schedule keeps me occupied, and I like it better this way.
I have been teaching the Kindergarten English class since the 15th of this month and I absolutely love it! I was really nervous about teaching at first and wondered if I would know enough Spanish to get by. However, with the help of my roommate, Hannah, I went into class the first day with my whole introduction written out. Ha. It was a little rough the first day with my Spanish, but after that it started getting a lot easier. I love hearing, “Profesora, profesora!” and then realizing they’re talking to me! I have to hand it to teachers… it’s not an easy job, that’s for sure. Maybe the hours are good, and only in the mornings, but I just teach one English class and then help out with other classes for about 2 hours after that, and by the end of the morning I am so exhausted! After having this opportunity, I am pretty sure that I want to change my major to Music Education – Keyboard emphasis. Exhausting days or not, teaching and music are my two passions, so why not put them together?
There are two brothers in the kindergarten class named Kevin and David. It is very obvious from the wear and tear and stains on their old uniforms that they come from a very poor family. The culture here does not involve much discipline either, so that doesn’t help much. I must have carried Kevin back to his chair about 10 times this morning . Then I realized he liked being carried so I tried the, “I don’t see you game” but that didn’t work either… ha. By that time the other professor saw him, and called him back to his seat, he listened to her and sort of mockingly smirked at me while walking back to his seat. Who knew kindergarteners could be so sly and mischievous!
I am going to miss it here so much. One of the teachers that I work with lived in Texas for 15 years. She is just here now because her mother is sick. We speak in English every morning and she always helps me out if I don’t know how to say something while teaching. This morning when I was about to leave the school, she stopped me and we talked for about 10 or so minutes about the kids, about her home in Texas, and just things like that. I told her when I was leaving for home and she told me that she would really miss me. I am really going to miss her too. Every morning when I’m getting ready to leave after teaching she stops me and tells me how much she appreciates my help. I teach one English class from 7:50 a.m.- 8:10 a.m. and then stay until the kids leave at 11 helping out with the other classes after mine. My mornings are long, but it is so nice to be appreciated and needed… that’s not something I absolutely need to be told, but it sure is nice…
It is so strange to think that I will be coming home in less than two months. I have such mixed feelings about the whole thing… I know that I won’t be able to stay away for too long. I know that I will be back to visit these kids because part of my heart is here, and there’s nothing I can do about that now. Yes, there are hard days when I do not want to be here, but I have grown so used to waking up here, going through my daily activities/duties that it will be so strange going back to the “American ways”. The whole pace of life is so much more relaxed here, and I’m going to miss that. Sure, there are things that I miss about the States… like my home, my family, and my friends… I miss American food, and I miss being at school. However, when I think about being anywhere else than here it just seems so strange. It’s definitely going to be hard to go through reversed culture shock when arriving back home… I will be very happy to see my friends and family, but I have a feeling that God has more traveling plans for me in my future… I’ve got the traveling bug now. I have such a desire to travel, to visit, to see, and to experience, that I just have to do something about it!
This summer I will be leaving for my Europe trip May 17th and will be going to Germany, France, Switzerland, and Scotland, and returning back to the states on June 9th. In the same month, I will leave to work at a summer camp in Alaska for a month and a half! I made a deal with God, and the deal went a little something like this, “as long as you keep opening the doors, I’ll keep walking through them…” I really didn’t think that I would be able to work at the summer camp this next summer, however, God had different plans for me, and I am so glad He did!
These past months have been so draining yet amazing… spiritually, mentally, and emotionally. Draining in all ways possible, and amazing in how much I have grown and changed as a person, and in my relationship with God. I am nowhere near perfect, but I have been learning so much, and I’m so grateful for that.
I have been teaching the Kindergarten English class since the 15th of this month and I absolutely love it! I was really nervous about teaching at first and wondered if I would know enough Spanish to get by. However, with the help of my roommate, Hannah, I went into class the first day with my whole introduction written out. Ha. It was a little rough the first day with my Spanish, but after that it started getting a lot easier. I love hearing, “Profesora, profesora!” and then realizing they’re talking to me! I have to hand it to teachers… it’s not an easy job, that’s for sure. Maybe the hours are good, and only in the mornings, but I just teach one English class and then help out with other classes for about 2 hours after that, and by the end of the morning I am so exhausted! After having this opportunity, I am pretty sure that I want to change my major to Music Education – Keyboard emphasis. Exhausting days or not, teaching and music are my two passions, so why not put them together?
There are two brothers in the kindergarten class named Kevin and David. It is very obvious from the wear and tear and stains on their old uniforms that they come from a very poor family. The culture here does not involve much discipline either, so that doesn’t help much. I must have carried Kevin back to his chair about 10 times this morning . Then I realized he liked being carried so I tried the, “I don’t see you game” but that didn’t work either… ha. By that time the other professor saw him, and called him back to his seat, he listened to her and sort of mockingly smirked at me while walking back to his seat. Who knew kindergarteners could be so sly and mischievous!
I am going to miss it here so much. One of the teachers that I work with lived in Texas for 15 years. She is just here now because her mother is sick. We speak in English every morning and she always helps me out if I don’t know how to say something while teaching. This morning when I was about to leave the school, she stopped me and we talked for about 10 or so minutes about the kids, about her home in Texas, and just things like that. I told her when I was leaving for home and she told me that she would really miss me. I am really going to miss her too. Every morning when I’m getting ready to leave after teaching she stops me and tells me how much she appreciates my help. I teach one English class from 7:50 a.m.- 8:10 a.m. and then stay until the kids leave at 11 helping out with the other classes after mine. My mornings are long, but it is so nice to be appreciated and needed… that’s not something I absolutely need to be told, but it sure is nice…
It is so strange to think that I will be coming home in less than two months. I have such mixed feelings about the whole thing… I know that I won’t be able to stay away for too long. I know that I will be back to visit these kids because part of my heart is here, and there’s nothing I can do about that now. Yes, there are hard days when I do not want to be here, but I have grown so used to waking up here, going through my daily activities/duties that it will be so strange going back to the “American ways”. The whole pace of life is so much more relaxed here, and I’m going to miss that. Sure, there are things that I miss about the States… like my home, my family, and my friends… I miss American food, and I miss being at school. However, when I think about being anywhere else than here it just seems so strange. It’s definitely going to be hard to go through reversed culture shock when arriving back home… I will be very happy to see my friends and family, but I have a feeling that God has more traveling plans for me in my future… I’ve got the traveling bug now. I have such a desire to travel, to visit, to see, and to experience, that I just have to do something about it!
This summer I will be leaving for my Europe trip May 17th and will be going to Germany, France, Switzerland, and Scotland, and returning back to the states on June 9th. In the same month, I will leave to work at a summer camp in Alaska for a month and a half! I made a deal with God, and the deal went a little something like this, “as long as you keep opening the doors, I’ll keep walking through them…” I really didn’t think that I would be able to work at the summer camp this next summer, however, God had different plans for me, and I am so glad He did!
These past months have been so draining yet amazing… spiritually, mentally, and emotionally. Draining in all ways possible, and amazing in how much I have grown and changed as a person, and in my relationship with God. I am nowhere near perfect, but I have been learning so much, and I’m so grateful for that.
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