A Change...

Yesterday was one of the most impacting days of my life, and of my stay here in Honduras… it all started when Hannah and I were supervising chores, and for the most part, the girls were on track, and doing everything fine… when we supervise chores, we walk around, making sure everyone is doing what they’re supposed to be doing, and we help them here and there with their chores as well. As I was walking out of the kitchen, some of the younger boys started whistling at me. This has been an ongoing problem, and I turned around, and knew exactly which boy whistled at me. I called them out by name, Mainor, and his brother Roberto, but they just laughed… when Hannah saw what I was trying to deal with, she came over and asked them, “Would you whistle at Marie Josie?” and of course they said, “No.” Then they argued that I “liked” it, and then Hannah turned to me and said, “Do you like it?” and of course, I said, “No.” Hannah kept talking to them about their disrespect, and I went back to the room… when Hannah came back, she was in tears. I asked her what happened, and she told me that after I had left, Karla, the older sister to the two boys who were whistling, came out and started back talking to Hannah. She said, “Hannah, this is the culture, you just have to get used to it” and Hannah argued that she’s not Honduran, and does not appreciate that kind of attention. After that, Karla called her the Spanish equivalent of “stupid” and Hannah just walked away…

Before all of this happened, I was walking around checking up on the girls, and Karla started saying something about me, and then she asked if I understood what she had said, and I said, “No.” Then she proceed to say, “Praise God!”. I knew she had said something pretty bad because the other girls standing around her were not laughing, and looked a little on the shocked side. Later one of the girls who was there came to my room… and I asked her to tell Hannah what Karla said, so that Hannah could translate it to me. I don’t even want to mention what she said, because it was on the crude side, and I'd rather not repeat it. When I found out what she said, I was furious, hurt, and genuinely upset. I know the girls especially like to talk about us volunteers behind our backs, but, in front of me? Just because I don’t understand… that’s nerve, and a good dose of disrespect. Hannah and I knew that we couldn’t just let these things slide, so we told Marie Josie about everything, and she said that she would talk to them before devotional. Hannah felt impressed to write a letter to read to everyone during devotional, and mentioned that to Marie Josie… and at first she wasn’t too sure about the idea, but Hannah said that she really felt impressed to share it. The letter contained reasons why students go out as student missionaries, and how it’s hard to leave friends, family, and leave our first language and comfort zones. She mentioned how it hurts to see the kids have so much disrespect not just to us volunteers, but to each other… she mentioned how hard it is to be here, and to try our hardest to be kind, only to have that kindness shoved back into our faces… and the day to day struggles we have to face with the petty drama that takes place over silly little things… also that she wants the best for all of them, and how hard it must be for Marie Josie, Txus, and Senor Gus, who have given up years of their lives for these kids, and still put up with the disrespect on a daily basis…
Well, devotional time came around, and was coming to a close when Marie Josie got up and called out all of the kids who had treated us with disrespect that day. She called out, by name, the boys, and Karla. She made a point to say that that kind of behavior was not appreciated by all Hondurans, and that not all Honduran men behave in such ways. After that she called Hannah up to read her letter. Hannah had previously read it to me in the room, and I was just praying that the kids would open their hearts to what Hannah had to say. Half way through, Hannah started to cry, but God helped her stay strong to finish reading the letter. When Hannah started crying, so did I. I looked over, and Marie Josie was crying too. After Hannah finished, Marie Josie came up and said, “sometimes, even after 13 years, I still feel some of the same feelings Hannah described in her letter…” she started crying, and couldn’t finish, so Nelson (the head of REACH International in Honduras) came up and took over for her. He asked for the kids to come up in front and one by one to apologize to the staff and all the volunteers. Sure enough, one by one, some came quickly with no problem, but then things settled down a little, and the room had more of a serious atmosphere about it. I thought that some would come up, and just say a quick “forgive me”, but that really wasn’t the case. These kids started pouring their hearts out, and when they came up, even some of the boys started crying, and asking Marie Josie to forgive them for their disrespect over the years. There was a spiritual battle going on in that devotional room. It was so powerful to experience and to see God working on their hearts. We sat through close to an hour of children going up one by one, crying, and asking forgiveness… it was such an emotional experience for me to see the kids like that, and being able to see God working in their hearts right in front of my eyes. I couldn’t help but cry, and that was the first time they had seen me cry. Karla kept looking back at me, and each time, her facial expressions became softer and softer, until she was crying too. She went up to ask for special forgiveness from Hannah and me, and I couldn’t keep it together. I was sobbing at that point. Some of the kids who I did not expect to cry, were crying the hardest. Nelson waited for everyone to apologize. It took awhile, and some seemed more sincere than others, but all apologized out of the 50 some kids that are here at the Hogar. I’m not sure that I’ve mentioned Kenya in any of my previous blogs, but she is one of the girls that is so incredibly hard to get close to, because she pushes people away. She’s tough, quick tempered, and has a sharp tongue. I think she’s 12 years old, but you would never guess it by her size. She’s small but spunky. She used to absolutely hate me, and didn’t want anything to do with me. I started just playing off every bad thing she said to me by saying to her, “you want a hug, don’t you?”. She used to just give me evil looks when I would say that, but over the months, those looks have turned into laughter, and playing around with me, altho' never receiving a hug from her in the end. Friday afternoon, Kenya walked passed me, and poked me in the side, and I chased after her, asking how many hugs she wanted from me this time! She actually was having fun with it, and saying, “umm, 10! I want 10 hugs today!” but then running away from me giggling… but once again, never actually receiving a hug.

Last night, it took some of the kids the whole hour to get the courage to go up in front to apologize and Kenya was one of them. She had been crying close to the whole hour. I could tell that there were two powers fighting for her. She kept looking back at Hannah, Amanda, and me, and then looking down and crying some more. Near the very end, she got up, and while crying she asked for forgiveness. Kenya has a stronger will than some 80 year olds, and for her to go up there and say that she was sorry was one of the most powerful moments of the night. After the meeting was over, kids came one by one to apologize personally. I wasn’t expecting that at all. Over 10 kids came to apologize to me, crying, and just wanting to know that they were still loved. Some said that they were sorry, and some just cried and wanted to be held. Karla asked to be forgiven for the way she had been treating me, and I was like a proud mother with happy tears gushing out of my eyes. Right when I thought that no one else was going to apologize, I saw Kenya walking towards me with great big tears in her eyes. She didn’t say anything… she just walked up to me, and for the first time in 5 months, wrapped her arms around me, and started crying. I held on to her for as long as she let me, and we just stood there, hugging and crying together.

Saying, “I’m sorry, please forgive me”, is such a new thing to these kids. They have been through so much hurt and pain that has caused them to have hard outer shells. It gave me such happiness to see that God is working on their hearts, and that they’re listening. As the kids were coming up to me afterwards asking for forgiveness, I realized how much I really do care and love these kids, no matter how much they talk behind my back, no matter how much attitude they give me, and no matter how much they make fun of the way I say a Spanish word… I absolutely love these kids, and I want so much for them to have respect for themselves, and to not settle for the least of what they know they can be.
Everything about last night reminds me of God’s forgiveness towards us… we treat Him with such disrespect on some days, blame things on Him, and question if He’s really there for us, but God is always there waiting with His arms wide open when we come to Him with tears in our eyes, and asking for forgiveness…

Last night will forever be in my mind, and I pray that the change continues in the lives of these children, and that they continue to let God work out His plans in their lives…

Ephesians 4:32

“And be ye kind one to another, tenderhearted, forgiving one another, even as God for Christ’s sake hath forgiven you.”

God is in control...

These past five months have not been easy in any sense of the word…I am wearing out, getting tired, losing my patience, and just trying to hold on to my sanity for my sake, and for the sake of those around me as well. Ha.

The two girls who were talking about running away ended up staying… however, we thought for sure that they were going to be gone the next morning… my roommate and I stayed up talking and crying with one of the girls, and we never thought we would see her again. It was an emotional roller-coaster, but she, and her friend, ended up staying… I don’t know if it was something that we said to her, or if she was just wanting to see what our reaction would be… who knows, but I am just so glad that she is still here, and she will be continuing with school soon as well.

The kids get mad over silly things… like how much food I serve on their plates… it’s always too much, or too little, never just right. I sometimes just come back to my room and laugh at the things they get themselves worked up about. Like I said, I’m trying to keep my sanity! It’s not easy on some days… and other days, they are all in great moods, and everyone is happy. I know that these kids have been through more than I ever wish to know, and that they are so sensitive, but it’s still emotionally draining.

A few weeks ago I was asked to teach the Kindergarten English classes which made me so happy! I have been here for five months, helping out with chores, kitchen duty, pool duty, and little things here and there, but nothing like teaching! I know that the little things count too, but I always felt like I should/could be doing more… and I’m so glad that I will now have an opportunity to teach. I finished making up all of my lesson plans today… I still have some details to work out as far as the class activities go, however, I am well on my way to being finished with them.

Lately I have really felt God close to me, and working in my life… First off, being asked to teach Kindergarten English was a huge answer to prayer, and I am scared/excited to start teaching! I know God will help me through.

Also, last week I was talking to my friend Lauren, she’s a student missionary in Majuro right now. I was chatting with her on facebook when she mentioned that she was planning on working at a summer camp in Alaska this summer! She told me that I should check it out, and see if I could work there too! I just laughed at her because I already had my summer plans made up in my head. Work, then Europe, then back home to take summer classes/work, and then back to Southern. Not to mention that I wouldn’t be getting back home from Europe until the 9th of June, and most summer camps have already started by then. I told her all of this, and just said, “haha, you’re funny Lauren, there’s no way that’s a possibility… I don’t have the money for that, and I’ve already purchased my ticket for Germany, so I will need to get a job to pay for that trip! Sorry, it sounds like fun though!” Well, she didn’t give up as easily as I thought she would… she kept talking about it, and told me that this camp in Alaska didn’t start until late June and that they pay really well, and that I would earn enough at the camp to cover my Europe trip! She told me to just email the camp director, and see what happens… well, I agreed to that...I figured there was no harm in one email. I emailed Laurie, the camp director, that same night after talking to Lauren. I told her about myself, what I was interested in, and what I was currently doing, along with three references. I prayed a lot about it, and called my parents and talked a little to them about it. I was really excited about the possibility, but still had no idea how it would ever work. Well, the next morning I sent the email to Laurie, and within minutes I had a reply from her! She said that there were female counselor positions open, and that if I was serious about wanting to work there to send in an application as soon as possible! As soon as I read the message I knew that that was what God wanted me to pursue this summer. I called my mom and told her, and I started the application process. I spent a good three hours filling out the online application, and when I finished, I plugged back into the Ethernet cord, but in order to get to the online application, I had to first create an account, and when I unplugged, it logged me out of the site! So, you can only imagine what happened next… I went to send the application in, and I pressed the button to send it, and nothing but an error page popped up saying that I was no longer logged in! I was so upset… I hadn’t saved the application information anywhere else. Three hours of my day were gone, wasted. I was so discouraged… Well, later that day, my mom went to the camp site, and saw that it said it’s location was in Idaho! Laurie wanted me to email the application to her, not into the website… so, that was a blessing in disguise! I tried several different ways to get my application filled out… however, there is no scanner or fax machine here, and so I was so discouraged… after filling out my application several times, and losing it over three times in one day, I was done. I was wondering if God even wanted me to go to Alaska after all. I talked with my roommate, Hannah, and she said, “why don’t you send the information to your mom, and have her fill it out for you, and scan and send it to Laurie?” I couldn’t believe how simple she had just made my predicament! So, I did just that. Before the application was even sent, I had an email waiting from Laurie saying that my references were checking out really good, and that she needed my birth date and middle name to book a ticket for me!! I was so excited to hear that… my mom sent the application to her, but I haven’t heard anything more yet… so, now I’m just waiting for the “officially official” message.

Please pray about my summer plans, because I want God's will for my life, and I know that I had my whole summer planned out, but it seems as though God had/has other plans for me! I still have no idea how I am going to afford all of my traveling this summer, but I know that God will provide… the last thing I want to do is worry…

Thank you all for your prayers! Love you all!

Laurel

P.S. One of the volunteer’s parents just arrived, and when Shearin found out they were coming, she asked all of us student missionaries what we “needed”… well, I replied with Fire Cheetos, and M&M’s! Obviously I thought very long and hard about what I needed…haha, I thought that I would pay her parents back, but Shearin just delivered the “goodies” to my door, and said not to worry about a thing! I am super happy right now! Ha ha! Who knew American junk food could make me so happy? Lol…

Another good part of my day… I was playing soccer with the kids, and I hadn’t been playing for more than maybe 30 minutes, and the ball was kicked right to me… I took my shot, and kicked the ball towards the goal, and I made it!! I made my first goal since being here! Haha, took me long enough! Well, I should say, my first goal during a bigger game. It was quite a surprise to me AND to my teammates! However, there were no complaints on either end… :)

And, just to give an example of the mood swings of the kids here… as of today, there are about two or three girls mad at me for reasons I’m not so sure of… however, most likely they will be over it by tomorrow sometime late afternoon. Ha. Oh the joys of drama…