I don’t even know how to tell you all the feelings I’ve been going through lately… Honestly, I don’t feel like I have been that productive with my time here, and I want that to change. As of right now, I don’t have the patience or energy. I’ve been so tired and short with the kids lately… I took a pretty hard hit around Christmas time, and I think I’m still having trouble picking up from where I was before my wave of homesickness. The pictures I put up do not begin to explain the struggles of the day-to-day life here at the Hogar. I don’t post pictures of the hard days… I don’t post pictures of the kids yelling at me, and I don’t post pictures of me at my worst either. I can’t even begin to explain how hard it is to deal with these kids some days… They are so beaten up inside that they have such hard shells to get through. When they’re feeling their worst, and just needing love, all they know how to do is take that pain they’re feeling inside and direct it towards other people. It’s not healthy, and these kids need people who will always be here to listen to them, but I can’t do that because, a.) my Spanish is not good enough to relay what I really want to say back to them, and b.) they know I won’t be here much longer, and c.) only a few let themselves get close, and comfortable, enough to open up about what’s bothering, and hurting them inside…
In the four months that I have been here, I have seen the “sweet” ones take turns for the worst… and some of the worst ones go from horrible to happy, and then back to horrible. For them it’s a daily struggle, ups and downs, like Indiana weather… constantly changing about how they feel about life and about themselves. In my time here, at least five children have run away, all returning except for one. The little girl who didn’t come back was one of the sweetest girls here… her mom came to visit her here at the Hogar, and talked her daughter into taking her to the bus stop, and never returned. We still don’t know how she’s doing, or if she’s even still alive. She was taken away from her mother for a reason, and I don’t understand why she was even allowed to come visit. We worry that her mother had intentions of selling her daughter for sex, or selling her as a slave. I don’t know how these parents do such horrible things to their children… I hate it, and I don’t want to understand it. I just want it to stop. As of right now, there are at least two children talking about running away… it seems to be a constant thought in the minds of the kids here. They have such a good life here, but they can’t see that because they don’t want to. They want to get out there, and experience the “real” life…
I’m wearing down… I’m tired. It seems that no matter how much I sleep at night, the next morning I’m still exhausted. It’s a physical and mental exhaustion. I want to love these kids, but as soon as they see they’re letting someone in to their broken lives, they push away… because they don’t want to get too close to anyone. They don’t want to give anyone any room to hurt them again, so they don’t even allow that to be an option by keeping everyone at arms length. I know that I will not be able to connect with everyone here, but I just need prayer right now because Satan is really trying to get me down so that I can’t help these kids… I want to push through this and be the best influence and mentor as I can while I’m here. When I thought of working at an orphanage while I was in the States, I thought about taking care of babies, and feeding kids, washing clothes, and things like that… I didn’t think about all of the hurt that these kids would have built up underneath their tough outer shells. I thought that they would all love me right away… ha! Not true! There are still some children who know exactly how to make my blood pressure rise, and they do as frequently as possible. However, I am doing my best, with God’s help, to be the bigger person. It sounds easy on paper, but it’s not. I don’t have thick skin, and it really is hard for me to brush things off my shoulders...even when I know things are just said to see my reaction. I have feelings too, and in some cases I react with the same defensive mechanisms as they do… I get defensive, or say something back that I shouldn’t, or just walk away. It’s hard to be vulnerable with these kids because some of them take advantage of that vulnerability. It’s not easy for me to put myself out there with the kids, just to wait for them to make fun of the way I say a Spanish word the wrong way… I laugh at a lot of things, but underneath, it gets to me. I wish I could turn on the “I REALLY, honestly, do not care what you think or say” button, but unfortunately they, whoever “they” are, haven’t invented that button yet.
I will be home in three short months, but at the same time, I don’t want to focus on that fact. I want to make the best of my time here… I want to form as many relationships as I can with these kids… I want to make a difference, no matter how hard it is. Right now, I don’t know where to even start with some of the kids here… and I need a lot of prayer right now…
Much love, and thank you for all of your love and support back home.
Wednesday, January 6, 2010
Friday, January 1, 2010
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